Never Say I'm Sorry
by Requiem of Silence
Summary: Rated as safety net. Alphonse is restored, but Edward's perception of reality was warped in the transmutation. He lives in a world where his mother is alive, and Al had never existed. The sweetest of nightmares. But there has to be more to it than that.


**Never Say I'm Sorry  
**  
An FMA fanfiction

**Chapter I: Done it Enough **

**Disclaimer:** I do not claim it as mine. If I _did_ own it, I wouldn't change it. Except give the Tringhams some more appearances. Randomly. Like in Ed's hotel room. At night. And I'd leave Ed and Russell alone. And Roy would pop out of nowhere. And . . . right. :cough: As you can see, this obviously proves I do_ not_ own it.

**Author's Note: **I'm pretty sure there are other fics like this, tons of them, but I'll try my hand at it too. Memory loss is a fun thing to write anyways.** Mild spoilers.**

* * *

Edward leaned more out of the balcony. The wind teased his long hair and pushed it around his shoulder in strands. It was one of those lazier days. The one that was humid and allowed the household to exit the building, unless they all wanted to drip of sweat by afternoon. The sun, which had awoken him only hours before, was now setting, and the shadows of the trees grew into knotted beasts. Black shapes that crawled up and would sometimes make hands appear at the window when you were peeking over the bed covers. But he wasn't scared of them. Not really. Silhouettes made him uneasy. The lack of clear features. The quiet following. And 'him', of course. His brow furrowed, the crease deepening, as if cracking his skin. Now wasn't the time to think about his father, though. 

Colours bled into each other, the viewer would hardly notice the the bright yellow turning into a somber violet before they were too enraptured by the view to notice. Ed heard that seeing a sunrise was even more beautiful, but he had sleeping habits that never allowed him the pleasure, but he doubted it. Sunsets were the prettiest things he'd ever seen. (Other than his mother.) He never got tired of watching the sun go down and drag the luminescent colours of the sky down like a blanket to see the stars. But, he often reminded himself, it could just be the other way around. The blankets of stars covering the sun to 'put it to sleep.'

Look at things any way you can. He tried to see in every direction and use the one that could bring everything to his full advantage. It was in-born, and it worried everyone around him. He didn't understand why exactly, but he did know that whatever it was had to do with his arm.

"Nnn . . . Edward?" The door squeaked open. The blond whipped around his face brightened immediately.

"Mom!" He ran over and hugged the visitor. "Dinner, right?" A smile was the only answer needed. "Kay! I'll be down in a minute."

Nodding, Al watched his brother hurry off to the closet to change out of his light t-shirt and shorts. "Dress good for the colonel," he reminded the boy.

"Mmmhmm."

Al shut the door, and leaned against the frame. He wanted to collapse on the floor into fits of tears. Instead hysterical giggles escaped his mouth. Entirely unlike himself, sounding both manic and in despair. _Get a hold of yourself._ That sent him into even more outbursts. His hand covered his mouth, biting down hard against his fingers. He staggered into his room only across the hall and his face buried itself in the pillow. The explosive laughter enough to rock the house unless it was muffled.

"Do I have to repeat myself? Get a hold of yourself." The disgusted tone slashed through his insane paroxysms. He looked up at the Flame Colonel, onyx eyes glaring down at him. Looking like a giant in military dress. This only sent him into more convulsions. Mustang watched him. At the back of his mind, Alphonse had a vague idea of how he looked. Clutching to the bed covers and laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face. Cheeks a flushed red and his hair hanging over his eyes. He must have looked possessed.

A gloved hand slapped to the face. His pupils went from the dilated state they were seconds ago to a misty awareness. Relief gushed into his being. Thanks be to Roy, for always knowing the right solution for every problem no matter what society had to say about it.

He got to his feet, ashamed to have been caught in another of his stressful moments by Mustang. "_Taisa_," he murmured. His eyes couldn't meet the soldier's.

"Winry was afraid to come up here again," Roy stated. "I think I understand why now." Yes, he knew now what kind of disturbance had caused the painfilled letter to appear in his mailbox from Pinako Rockbell.

The younger man nodded meekly. "We should go down before Niisan finishes dressing," he said, passing the military officer and heading downstairs. The house started small. Smaller than it was before they burned it down, but when Al rebuilt it he only considered that he and his brother would be living there by themselves. But Winry visited far too often and a guest room was made for her. Then more people turned up. Armstrong had quit the military four months ago and started work as a merchant. He had his own room added as well. Some of his things were still there, despite Alex-Louis havingtwo home and travelling to more foreign countries than Al could count. There was still the full-sized mirror with his brown jacket hanging on it from the last visit. Then Brosh and Ross purchased the neighbouring house for vacation purposes. And eventually he had made new extensions and met old friends. Central came to him.

More importantly, they cameto his brother.

His gaze met Winry's as heexiter theflight ofstairsand he smiled, a feeble attempt to reassure her he was still sane. She returned it and part of his heart was at peace. Even if he knew that it did nothing. Maybe worsened it. But she smiled back and that eased his conscience.

"Niisan's just dressing," he said, attempting to sound casual and failing. "He'll be up there for another ten minutes."

"And what about Colonel Mustang?" Pinako asked, her pipe resting in her palm.

The man clammered down the stairs. "Here, Mrs. Rockbell," he said.

"And me too!" Edward declared. Al looked bewildered at Roy who had an odd looking grin on his face, to Edward, who looked pretty happy. Winry shook her head, not as surprised as Alphonse and Pinako was unshakeable, as usual.

Mustang lifted Ed up from his shoulders and placed him on the ground. "There, now we're even," he said with a wink. "But that was hardly equivalent exchange, if you ask me." He didn't think such a small kid could weigh so much.

The blond smirked. "Fine, but it's your fault," he said in a mockingly defiant voice. "Stupid ass Colonel."

Dinner went by as it usually did with the group. Roy and Edward would discuss alchemy, Alphonse curiously silent as the two talked on the subject. Winry and Al would tell the colonel of Liezenbul's current events and Mustang would, in turn, fill them in on Central's happenings. It seemed the military folks had more interesting news.

"Lieutenant Ross is getting married," Roy said. It sounded like an offhand remark but it was a big deal to the young automail mechanic.

"What!" she cried. "But they're not even engaged!"

Roy raised an eyebrow. "Oh? The Lieutenant has had the ring on since fall. Delicious stew, by the way."

"Mom makes the best stewed beef," Ed stated. It was a well-known fact that the youngest Elric was a fine cook and Al couldn't help but be proud of it.

"Then I guess I'll have to settle for second best," Pinako huffed. She blew out another ring of smoke.

"You bet, Auntie," the boy grinned, spooning more helpings from the serving bowl.

"How come you never told me they were engaged!" Winry demanded.

The colonel sipped his cup and shrugged. "I thought Major Hawkeye had kept you aware of it. You've been having several gab sessions with her already," he remarked. "But they're getting married here in the summer. Just signing a marriage license, nothing special. They're both agnostic. You're welcome to come, they told me to invite you when they found I was visiting."

"Why _are_ you here, Colonel?" Ed asked. "You're supposed to be busy at Central with that Scar guy."

_'That Scar guy' he says, _Roy mused. Maybe some things are better forgotten. "He's been lying low recently and most of the State Alchemists have been shifted around during this period to prevent any more casualties," he explained. "I was just heading to my hometown."

"Hometown?" Al asked. He forgot that not all the soldiers were born and bred in Central. "Where's that?"

"Dublith," he answered. A mischievious glint was in his eye.

"You grew up in Dublith!" Edward pointed at the officer, as if accusing the man of lying to him. "But then you must know - "

"Yes," Roy said, cutting in before the short blond could finish his sentence, "I knew your _sensei_. But not personally, you realize." The table glared at him. It seemed the brief sentence was not going to be enough to satisfy them. He cleared his throat and continued, "I lived on the farther side, and by the time your sensei moved into Dublith I was packing up for the civil war. She spat in my face when I passed the house."

Edward started laughing. "That's _sensei_, all right!"

"So you left when _sensei_ came?" Al asked. "I see." He thought the war happened later than whatthe older manhad said, but kept it to himself. He couldn't assume these things.

"You don't really want to remember a face like that," Roy said in a good-natured way. There were drawbacks, despite the pay and some respect you got out of being a high-ranking military official, and soon to be promoted to boot, but Roy did have qualms with his position as a colonel. It took a lot of clawing and killing to get to his status. It took a lot of camoflauge too. He had to constantly appear cool, in control, hold it all off until he could drink at the bar and listen with more than a hint nostalgia at the song Maes always got up to sing in a drunken stupor. Go home, maybe bang another girl to be dumped the next week.

There was a lack of conversation afterwards, the chink of their spoons hitting the bowls and slurps were the only sounds being let in to the kitchen. Al finished first and placed hisutensils in the sink. All the stew had been finished as well, and he dumpedthe servingbowlin the sink as well. Donning an apron and rolling up his sleeves, the boy got to work on the dirty dishes as they piled up.

"Want me to help you with that?" Winry asked as she put her bowl too.

Al shook his head. "Thanks Winry, but I'm okay."

She nodded. "Then let me at least clean the table." She turned and saw Edward with a cloth, wiping the spills. He grinned at her. "All right then," she said in exasperation. "I see you have a routine, fine." She grabbed a broom and dustpan and swept the floor furiously. In the living room there was a fire and Roy and Pinako sat, watching through the door the three cleaning the kitchen.

"A fire isn't necessary, Colonel," Pinako said, that old woman smile on her lips as always.

Roy chuckled. "Perhaps, Mrs. Rockbell. If you so insist it out," He snapped and the fire died away instantly. The more experieced automail mechanic had a wider smile. Upon seeing it he said, "I know more than how to make fire, you know." He snapped and lit her pipe. "You learn quickly how to fix your messes after you make them."

"Not bad, Colonel," her cracked laugh causing an amused smirk to rise on Roy's face.

"How is Edward nowadays?" he asked. This was probably the first thing any of them asked of Pinako. She was old and her wisdom appreciated among those who knew her. They could always expect a straight answer from the woman.

She breathed out, a string of smoke released into the air. "He's the same. But I'm worried about Al."

"We all are," he replied. Alphonse was a hot topic among the Colonel's men. Roy knew he'd be a Brigadier General very soon, possibly as soon as he returned to Central, and he was using all of his power, charisma, and blackmail to keep the proper officials away from Fullmetal and his brother. Many were beginning to wonder why Fullmetal had been discharged and many towns, especially Xenotime and Youswell, were demanding he be let back in. It wouldn't be the first time a good deed had come to be a nuisance later on, but this issue was not going to resolve itself until the full story was told.

Probably the biggest mess he had to look after was why the Fuhrer and his secretary disappeared and Fullmetal ejected from the army soon after. Half wanted Edward back in, the others wanted a mob at his door, everyone needed answers. Now. It was a wonder that Mustang was allowed to leave Central instead of being interrogated thoroughly by the Generals. It was imperative to duck beyond the radar.

" - disaster."

"Excuse me?" Roy asked, missing the sentence in his thoughts.

Pinako gave him a curious look but repeated, "I said, Alphonse is torn up by what's happening. He needs someone else here or it could be a disaster."

"What are you suggesting?" he asked. She wouldn't just bring it up without good reason.

"Stay here with Ed and Al instead of going to Dublith," she said. "I'm guessing that what's happening in Central is not pleasant and you're in a tighter spot than ever."

The tact of the old woman would surprise Mustang from time to time. "No, I have arrangements with their teacher."

"Oh?" Her eyebrows raised, more wrinkles crisscrossing over her forehead.

"She doesn't know about them," Roy added. Pinako smirked at the answer. Grabbing his coat from the back of his chair, he stood. "I'm sorry to leave so abruptly but I might miss my train." He waved and she raised her hand in farewell. The colonel breezed through the kitchen.

"Where're_ you _going?" Ed asked, seated at the now spotless table. He had not looked up from his latest book when Mustang had com in.

Roy was jolted by a feeling of deja vu. "To the train station, if you must know, _Hagane no_," he let the name slip.

"_Hagane no_?" The blond flipped another page of the large tome. "Jeez, you _are _getting old."

Al wiped his hands with a towel, his eyes holding similar feelings to what Roy choked back. "Hmph, I guess you're right. Fullmetal doesn't suit you too well. How does Half Pint sound?" He dodged the book that was flung at him and laughed.

"Goodbye Edward, Alph - " Roy coughed. The darker blond shrugged and smiled, a forlorn look that tugged at Roy's heart. "Trisha." He closed the door and turned, coming an inch away from Winry's face. They both yelped and the colonel stumbled back.

"_Taisa_!" she yelled. "Watch where you're going!"

He nodded, his head bobbing slightly lower than needed to be, almost as if a very short bow. "I'll remember that, Winry," he said. "Bye, then."

"Heading to Dublith?" the automail mechanic asked. She had a toolbox in her hand and it occurred to him, not without fear, that there was probably a wrench in there.

"Yes," he said. "I can't get in any more trouble than I _already_ have."

She crossed an arm around her chest, her fingers wrapping around her elbow. "In that case,take care of yourself," she murmured. Roy nodded, and passed by her, but not before squeezing her shoulder. He was a few feet from the house before she called to him. "When you're here, they're happy."

Mustang stopped for a moment, and walked on.

* * *

"Mom," Ed asked, retrieving the book. 

"Yes, Edward?" Al asked, gulping hard. It pained him to listen to Ed like this. All because of him. His fault.

The older blond patted the cover and uncreased the pages. It was the same book they had read before, when they were seven and eight. It was more advanced alchemy, and Edward would read over everything carefully, making fun of Al for not understanding it.

"That's not fair Niichan!" Al had protested after a particularly nasty insult. He punched Edward in the arm. "You're older than me!"

"If you'd just read it right then you'd get it, dummy!" his brother argued, pouncing on him.

There was a full out brawl in the living room where the two studied and their mother had not come until the climax of the fight where Al had punched his brother hard in the cheek and Ed had bit his lip, blood beginning to gather in the blond's mouth.

"Do you like Colonel Mustang?" he asked.

Al started coughing violently, doubled over the counter. "What!" he exclaimed. "What do you mean? Where did you get that!"

"You're always acting weird with the colonel," Ed replied, his voice lower. Golden eyes had hardened and were partly hidden behind a frown. "Just like with him."

"With Father?" Al asked. He knew, now that he was older, why Edward hated his father so much. Winry had spelt it out for him one day when Ed had kicked a man in the shins for staring at Alphonse. (Most likely because Edward kept calling him 'Mother.') Edward was fiercly jealous. He loved their mother so much he was jealous of anyone who would take her away from him. Maybe even with Al at some point. An obsessive love for his mother. Maybe that was why Al had been so sheltered after she died. Edward needed to protect someone.

He stuttered, still shocked by the abruptness of the statement, "I don't know what you're - "

Winry burst into the room. "Ed! Your automail needs repairing!" she declared, her trusty tools already in her hand along with her rather large toolbox. It was a miracle she could have burst in so quickly lugging that thing around.

"What? Winry!" he looked pained. "Come on! That's the second time this year!"

She looked absolutely set on tinkering with his automail again. "Ed, if you don't keep it in tip-top condition then when you get into a fight it's going to chip!"

Edward frowned. "Why would I get into a fight?"

A wrench answered the question.

_- To Be Continued - _

End Notes: I tried to keep the normalcy together, and then pique the weirdness level whenever there needs to be. A thin veil of routine to try to destroy the odd crap . . . I really don't like this fic. The story intrigues me and I want to delve deeper into it but the writing. :shivers: I really hate it.

Anyways, reviews, flames, please offer them up. They're all taken in stride. I wanted this uploaded before I get to school (tomorrow:cringe:) so forgive the typos. I only proofread it once, in a rush. Damn plot kitties.

Shameless plug for kurama-sweehart's, Hitsuji no Edo's, and Zalia Chimera's fanfiction! Shameless, I say! Please read their stuff, it's great RoyEd goodness! nn And don't forget that writer's feed off reviews. It's their greatest inspiration, believe me.


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